I must say, yesterday was one of the hardest days since trial. I had to go pick up Jason's belongings from the county jail.... had to wait for a while and that did me in,sitting there, where we used to see him every week for 3 years......loathed that place but it was "home" to my son,and it was tough sitting there, knowing he is gone again,to somewhere else I know I will loathe, with less visits,more travel time and so much unknown. I ache with heartache, the smell of his clothes, all of his books, the reminder that his life is not his own again.

I kept thinking of the little boy , with so much promise, a straight A student, funny and smart , so much potential...... and now he sits in a cell.........I cannot imagine the pain he must feel, the darkness of it all. I have tried to. I have made myself sit in a bathroom with lights out,on the cold floor,with door closed. I sat there as long as I could.......which wasn't very long.....just so I could relate to him....feel his pain,prayer for him... it was torture.. I think the realization that my son is gone for a long time is starting to hit me now..... although I have faith and hope and cherish that...and am thankful to God for his blessings and mercy and grace.... I just simply hurt, mourning the loss of my son,his life and his future..... I hang onto the promises of God, the fact HE tells us we know now the future,and He has plans for good for us......hard to see that through the horrid pain,but I know Him and He loves my son and has a plan for him too.

For now , I will hang onto the last "real"shirt he wore, his books and pictures and letters........and try to feel him and pray he knows how many are loving and praying for him.....